She saw strength in my quietness and soft spoken spirit. She saw it as patience- the ability to stand still and wait on the Lord. I saw it as weakness. I saw it as a fear to trust others, a fear to move forward- always questioning God’s leading. What I saw as weakness she saw as beauty and strength.
My beautiful mom, who was always able to see deep into the heart of those hurting, saw life through eyes of grace. She understood that in brokenness comes a humbled heart, a willingness to be changed- That it’s in our weakness that we are made mighty in the eyes of the Lord.
She never expected perfection in her children, only a willingness to be changed- to be molded by the One who Saves.
She’d say she was lacking in so many areas of her life. She’d say she had a weakness of an unforgiving, worrisome heart. But I saw her unbelievable ability to admit her faults, to pour grace upon others, and love them in their weakness.
She worried, but in that worry she cared deeply for others.
She worried about her husband- desiring for him to find someone when she was gone.
She worried about her children- desiring for them to stand together under the umbrella of knowing the depth of God’s love for them.
She worried about her daddy- that he would have the strength to move forward in caring for the needs of others even as his heart broke for her.
She worried about her family- desiring for them to see and know Christ as she had come to know Him.
She worried about her friends- desiring for them to be united in friendship that was created by the grief of loss.
She worried her death would fall during the holidays, or worse, my birthday. She underwent a risky 2nd brain surgery just to extend her life through the holidays – even with the knowledge that it could take her life or paralyze her…..and it did, causing partial paralysis.
She was strong-willed and stubborn; always doing what she saw as best.
It was in her worry that she layed all of her loved ones at the foot of the cross, knowing without a doubt, that God would make all things beautiful in His time. He would make beauty from the ugliness of the death she would experience here on earth.
To her – it wasn’t about living a perfect life. It was about living out a faith made perfect by a Holy God. It wasn’t just knowing about faith- a faith that was born in her daddy’s church. It was about experiencing faith with eyes that could bring about a revival of hope found only in Christ.
She saw grace extended to her- and she knew grace. What everyone saw as ugliness and weakness- she saw redeemable by a gracious God.
I grieved my mom as a child. I grieved what I lost as a child- a mom who brought comfort and security. I had the blinding eyes of a child when I was in the midst of taking care of her…of watching her fade into the long days of her nearing her day in heaven.
Now I grieve her in my motherhood. Things I couldn’t see as sacrifice when I was a child- I see clearly now. As a mom, I can not imagine how she had enough strength to live in courage; to walk through each day with her eyes lifted upward in joy-
To still claim “God is good” during her darkest moments of a wavering body and fading memory.
It’s always how she lived….seeing good in the bad, seeing strength in weakness.