The night before Hope was born
To my girls,
Before I found out I was pregnant with you, I prayed for peace. I prayed that God would pour His peace upon me and seal it within me so that nothing would cause it to be swayed. I knew things would arise- possible complications might weave their way into my pregnancy with you. Intuition? Maybe. I don’t really care to know why now.
I knew at the time of making the decision to conceive again that because of the fear that gripped my heart, regardless of what tiny complications might arise, I would feed off the fear that already had a hold on me.
I knew in my heart that God gave me the verses in Psalm 91 to set peace upon me…
to move me forward in making the decision to have another child…
trusting Him to protect my life in the midst of all the “what ifs” that gripped my mind. You see, the “what ifs” in this life pour anxiety and fear into me as much as the “real” fears of this life.
But, God knew. He knew…
before I even sat down to pray that morning in 2011. He had already set a conviction in my heart that I would have 2 girls. That I would have another gathered in my arms almost one year to the day of writing those words I prayed in my prayer journal.
Peace followed me every day I was pregnant with you. Even through the “what ifs”;
even through the wacky blood counts and extreme anemia,
through the agonizing hernia,
through the MRI and
My peace kept its place….unswerving…constant. I was sealed by peace- a peace that passed my understanding. Exactly the words I prayed. He provided. His faithfulness became a shield around my heart-squeezing out my anxieties of all the “what ifs.”
It was a time of struggle but it was a time of great growth in my relationship with my Savior where He, yet again, showed up faithful in my life.
He walked hand and hand with me. He was there when no one else could provide for me in the same way- just you and me…walking along a weary road that eventually lead us together- with you in my arms and your daddy and big sister next to me.
The night before your delivery I had an overwhelming sense of peace-a sense of calmness that came over me. I remember my dad and Jean noticing this as they told me the couldn’t believe how calm I was. My God set his peace upon me and it was sealed just I had asked.
Complications arose during your delivery…epidural not taking on one side of my body, more blood than the dr would like to see, you stuck in one position- not budging or moving.
12 hours later- Finally I felt you move downward and within minutes you were here. It happened so quickly I almost missed it. Almost as if it didn’t happen. You came much quicker than anticipated and there were complication that arose from that. I knew there was worry amongst my nurses and dr. through their apparent hurriedness. But I just kept praying and remembering the words of Psalm 91 that God gave me those months of deciding to conceive again. I know there was bleeding and a shot given to me to control it, but peace surrounded me. I rested. I rested in peace with your daddy holding my hand.
God knew my story to both you girls before I even did. He knew what I needed He knew the confirmations I would need- the convictions I would need in the midst of this life experience. He was merciful and provided.
His faithfulness was and always will be my shield and rampart. For He has commanded His angels concerning us to guard us in all His ways.
Take joy in that my sweet Hope. Take peace in that my sweet Presley.
He is faithful….always!