This pregnancy has not been the easiest, to say the least. While I knew it was going to be difficult, I had no idea that I would be dealing with so many issues along the way. My OB refers to me as “her little enigma” because there’s just no “rhyme or reason” for some of the issues that have plagued me. I have tried to “wait things out” before communicating to others the issues at hand because I don’t want to “feed the fear”….if you know what I mean. ;o) I’ve mostly divulged information for prayers and support, but it is still difficult to keep everyone “in the know”….especially when I’m not even sure what is going on. ;o)
I’m constantly battling the weaknesses in my life, as I am sure we all do. It’s fear that is my biggest battle, always has been. Throughout this pregnancy, I have circled in and out of trusting God in all things. I kind of feel like I stepped out in faith when I made the decision to conceive again, but I have come to realize that God has required more of me. Throughout this pregnancy, He has stretched me even further to trust completely in Him in all things. He has also been faithful to reveal glimpses of Himself and His protection over me along the way. I have seen the web of circumstances that He has weaved so perfectly throughout this journey and that has ultimately protected me from greater despair. …we are talking about a road leading all the way back to 2009 when I had my ectopic pregnancy.
So, how can I doubt His faithfulness when He has indeed been faithtful. I’ve often mentioned the verses in Psalm 91 in other posts, but it’s the 9 little words in verse 4 that ring true to me daily…. for His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. I have often felt, as little issues have come up during this pregnancy, that maybe I didn’t prepare myself enough “spiritually.” However, can we really prepare ourselves enough for what life throws our way? Shouldn’t we be constantly seeking God, constantly searching His Word, and constantly stepping out in faith trusting Him in all circumstances for all things? Ultimately, it is not “I”, but Him. It’s not my faith, my goodness, or my heartfelt appreciation for what He has done for me that has saved me. It is because of His goodness, His love, and His faithfulness that I am saved by His grace. …”Rather, it is the Father, living IN ME , who is doing His work.” John 14:10b
I love what Angie Smith, author of What Women Fear, wrote in her blog on the anniversary of her daughter’s death. She said….
In my life, hope has led me to pray. It has led me to believe Him. To have the boldness to say that I trust Him above the hurt. It has given me a reason to lift my head, to stake my claim, and to dismiss the shadows that whisper, “it will not be redeemed.” We do not know the ways of the Lord, of course. I’ve heard it said a thousand times and I agree. But there is more to say, isn’t there? We might now know His ways, but we can know Him.
My life didn’t get tied up in a neat bow when we decided to have another child. And it didn’t answer the questions or silence the hurt. What it did give me was a reminder of the power of hope. Not just in tomorrow. Not just in this life, actually. But the hope that demands a response in the way we live our lives. So, while my feet reach one in from of the other, I will remain steadfast in this: I have hope because I have HIM. ;o)