There are a few things that are more difficult than others when you have a miscarriage. Loss of hope is a huge part of the agony of a loss early on in pregnancy. From the moment you conceive there is an overwhelming sense of hope. Most women have an immediate attachment the moment they find out they are pregnant. You begin to wonder about the child you are carrying, you find that you have dreams for the child, and you begin to hope for things….like health, an easy pregnancy and delivery. Usually all of that wondering creates a deeper desire to know this child God has entrusted you with. You begin to pray and find that you have desires for this life inside you that only just begun. All of these feelings seem to magnify with each passing day, week, month. It’s difficult to miscarry a child, but even harder to miscarry 2, 3, 4 times. I know of friends who have miscarried multiple times and I can not imagine the pain that multiplies with each loss. It’s not just the child that dies within you; but the hope, dreams, desires, and the seedlings of love that dies right along with the child that is so heart wrenching. It’s especially difficult as time goes on and your due date passes and you see all of the newborns who have just been born surrounding you. Your mind can’t help but be taken back to the “what ifs” and the “if only.”
When I had my first miscarriage I conceived again 5 months later with little miss Presley. My hope lost was quickly replaced with a hope renewed. However, the timing of my third miscarriage has been the most difficult. It didn’t start off difficult, but as time has gone by it seems to be the most heart wrenching. Many times the loss of hope is quickly replaced with a new hope, new dreams, and new desires. Other times that loss of hope is not replaced as quickly as you’d like and you must endure an entire season of loss. I know many women who have had to endure season after season of loss.
Proverbs 13:12 says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when longing is fulfilled, it is the tree of life.” So, what do we do when God chooses not to change our circumstances? When our hope is deferred rather than renewed.
As I sat in bed one morning I thought about hope and how we see it as humans….”It has to be more than just a desire, more than just a positive thought or wishful thinking.” God speaks of hope in the Bible more times than I count.
My little sister has a friend who sent me a letter quite awhile back. She is one who knows what this loss of hope feels like. I keep her letter in the side pocket of my purse and pull it out to revisit it when my hope becomes hope-less. In this letter she said to me, “take this time to grow in the Lord. Refresh your marriage. Renew your spirit, and know He will bless you in His time.” Her words echoed through my mind and awakened my heart to something bigger, something greater. So, I decided to follow her advice and I began to seek the hope for which we have been called. For the past 10 months, I have been keeping a prayer journal, writing down every thought, desire, fear, and hope. And with every writing of a prayer God has revealed himself more and more to me. He has spoken to my heart and has sealed me with a renewed hope and a peace that passes understanding that ultimately comes from Him. I have a hope I’ve never known… a joyous hope that could not have been known without the experiences He has allowed in my life. To live in hope is to live abundantly in God. This is the Hope that sustains and gives life. For every woman who has ever felt a loss of hope and has never had that hope renewed through changing circumstances, I pray that you may find hope in the One who is the Author of All Hope.
“When hope is infinitesimal, may God increase it, and when hope is deadened, may God enliven it, and when hope is craved may it be found in Christ alone.” -Ann Voscamp