Without getting too personal, can I just say that I love it when God’s presence is all around me. I began the morning, like I should every morning but struggle to, in prayer. I continue to keep a prayer journal, but let’s just say that it had a few weeks missing.
Within the past 6 months Joey and I have had an enormous amount of loss surrounding our family. It’s been loss after loss, after loss. I would say that loss has definitely affected both families all around. My heart goes out to Joey’s cousins who lost their father in January, to his Granddad who lost his wife in February, to Joey and I who lost another pregnancy in March, to my step-sister who lost her newborn child in April, and to Joey’s sister who lost her mother-n-law in July. It’s times like these that I would think one would consider God as being unjust, unloving, and not present.
Having dealt with loss before, death is a heartbreaking reality that just stares me in the face every morning. I lost a friend to cancer when I was in 9th grade, I lost my mom at the age of 21, and two weeks later buried a good friend of mine who I grew up with in church, and two years ago my former BSF leader passed away giving birth to her 3rd child. All of these dear loved ones, in my mind, died before their time. However, no matter what I feel, I still believe that God is just, loving, and ultimately good. I also believe in His timing and that He does make all things beautiful in his time.
With all of this loss surrounding our lives I have been held captive, once again, by fear. Fear is something I have struggled with since I was little. I was always shy and very cautious, and I see that my little sweet P is a bit the same way….something I always pray about. This morning I woke up and started writing in my prayer journal about fear…specifically, fear about making the decision to conceive again. I was lead to read Psalm 91.
His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
”Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long live will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
Talk about the perfect chapter to read at a time when fear is captivating my thoughts! There are many times when I am in the midst of spending time with God during the quiet moments of the day and I feel lead to read a Bible verse or chapter. Today, as I was writing in my journal, I wrote down my insecurities and fears of making the decision to conceive. As I have gotten older, I have a fear of not being here for my children….most likely this fear is connected to the loss of my mom at a young age and the deep desire that I have to be a mom. These verses that I read today spoke to me and so I wrote them down on a sticky note and posted them on my mirror so that they would be a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness to protect His children when we call upon Him.
There’s a blog, Angie Smith: Bring the Rain, that I have been following since January. It’s an amazing story how I came upon this blog, but that’s another post. Her husband is the lead singer of a Christian group called, Selah….I LOVE them by the way! ;o) She is an author and has written several books. One of which is called, “I Will Carry You.” It was written shortly after her newborn daughter passed away. She is a great blogger and I just love keeping up with her. She just came out with a new book called, “What Women Fear: Walking in Faith that Transforms.” I have already pre-ordered it and can’t wait to read it.
For the past few months, I have been trying to turn my fear into hope. Hope for what the future holds. However, it’s hard to do that on my own! The girls in our Hometeam got me a bracelet after I had my miscarriage a few months ago. On my bracelet is the word HOPE. I wear this bracelet everywhere because it is a constant reminder of the hope I have in Jesus. I think about the name hope and what it means to have it. I can’t imagine not knowing Jesus because there would be no room for hope in my life without Him. My heart always breaks for those who lose a loved one, but have no hope because they don’t know what it is to have a relationship with the one true God….God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. They think of knowing God as a religion rather than a relationship. I look at this word hope and think about what it means for Joey and I….and our families. I see a child yet to be conceived, I see a heart yet to be mended, and I see a life yet to be saved. I have hope that a child will be born, a heart will be mended, and a life will find salvation in the Lord….because without hope I am left only with fear and I refuse to be held captive by such a little word!
There’s a verse that I wrote on a sticky note and stuck to my mirror a few days after I miscarried. It’s the first thing I see when my feet hit the floor in the morning and the last thing I see before my head hits the pillow at night….